Party Noob

Hey Party people,

The most important and prolific drunk driver and party animal in the world ever and ever again has been ordered back to jail. bwahaha. So sad so sad.

We never like to see animals locked up. They should be free to roam and make asses of themselves to make the rest of us feel a little bit better about it all.

In support of Paris Hilton, we present the Paris Hilton Jailbird Fix, a drink among drinks to keep the party going.

Here’s what you need:

1. Fruit: Pick grapes, apples or oranges.

2. Water

3. Glass Jar

4. Wax paper

5. Rubber band

6. Salt

7. Time (hopefully less than 45 days)

Put the fruit and water in the jar, put wax paper over the top, and wrap a rubber band on around it to seal the jar. Next poke a couple holes in the paper and let it sit until it molds. When the liquid looks nice and cloudy, you’ll be ready to slam it and go into a crazy night of bliss and hottness.

Caution: This drink may cause blindness.

If there’s one thing that party people love it’s those who bring their own drinks. No one wants to pay for you to get drunk, and let’s face it, neither do you.

Luckily, there’s many ways for you to get wasted and not dump all the change you scrounged from the back seat of your back car.

So, let’s get all high school on this motherf#cheers!!11

Remember when you took a few wadded up $20s you got from mom and bought on a bottle of absolute and a few 2-liters of sprite, then you threw up all over your buddy’s pool deck? This drink is kinda like that, only much cheaper.

It’s called Bum Juice.

What you need:
1. One 2-liter of crappy club soda or some citrus crap.
2. One fifth (750ml) bottle of junk rum. We’re talking the $5 half-gallon crap. You don’t need to spend $14 on Bacardi.

Now, the guys at idrink tell you how to put it together:

Pour out (drink) approximately 750ml of the cheap soda (usually orange or lemon-lime soda). Then pour the bottle of cheap rum into the soda bottle. Turn the bottle up and down a few times to mix, then open carefully so that it does not explode. Drink right out of the bottle with a friend. For best results, drink in a public park.

Man, that sounds great and won’t cost you more than about a half hour of begging to win enough change to buy the rum. Now get drinking!

Don’t think it’s possible to shotgun a beer bottle? Think again.

Let the video load, watch the beginning then skip to the end to avoid the nonsensical ramblings by the n00b on the left.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jT_UI1wi5no[/youtube]

Kudos to the guys at jetdrytacos.com who got this done.

We all get roped into house-sitting for moms and pops sometimes. Liggity LAME-OOOOO. So the obvious recourse is to toss an end-of-days barn-burner.

The bummer is, if you set fire to the house, they might kick you out of the will. So how to you get away with dipping their toothbrushes in the toilet and cleaning the stains on the carpet?

Follow the steps over at wiki-how:

1. Find out when your parents are leaving and how long they will be gone.
2. Gather a group of friends to help you remove valuables that may get broken during the event. Store them in a safe place, and remember or record where all of them go. Many people will notice if something they see every day is even slightly out of place.
3. To prevent the party from being busted by the police, leave exterior lights off, draw all the blinds in the house and instruct attendees to park cars far away, such as at a nearby parking lot or on an adjacent street.

And here’s my favorite:

Phones with a GPS feature can often be monitored remotely, either via the Internet or another phone of the same brand. This requires the phone being monitored to have a privacy setting changed to automatically accept this from a specific phone (consult your owner’s manual!)

Read more tips.

A sheet of paper?!?! A piece of good ol’ American printer paper!?!?!? Not cardboard? Not posterboard?

That’s right kiddies. Next time you’re stuck in the computer lab without a bottle opener, fret not. After you’re done printing off the answers for your midterm, fold that crap up a bunch of times and pop the top of your favorite beer.

Note: If the beer bottle is a twist-off, stop trying to be cool and just twist it off. Save this trick for real drinkers.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_kD8dO8ZuRw[/youtube]

Kudos to YouTube uploader shederector.

It’s almost impossible these days to actually end up on a deserted island. But what isn’t far from the norm is ending up in an empty bar with a low bars on the cell phone.

It’s Wednesday, and you’re trying to build your tolerance before this weekend’s bash. But lo and behold, you’ve arrived in no man’s land. IT’S WEDNESDAY!!1!one1

C’mon, Drinky McDrinkster. Of course no one is at the bar. The dream team ain’t coming.

Now you have enough juice on your Nokia to call one person, who’s it going to be?

Here’s a few options:
1. Your mom. Every mother wants to spend a little extra time with their offspring. If you’re lucky, you’ve made it to an Irish bar and everyone is drunk so you won’t stand out when you spit up the fish and chips.

2. Barack Obama. Looking to score some liberal hottie with the pickins’ are skimpy. Give Barack a call, just make sure you’re packing a razor.

3. Simon Crowell. Get free drinks thrown in your face all night with this guy. If nothing else, that man just paid like $10M in taxes last year. You know he has money – shank him and leave him with the bill.

4. The guy who did the voiceovers on ‘The Wonder Years’. Not Fred Savage. I’m talking about the guy who let us know Freddie’s innermost secrets. Let this guy tell the world what you’re thinking as you wallow in self-pity at the lack of friends you have.

5. That new girl from the Victoria’s Secret Wings commercials. Anyone got her number? Cot damn she’s hot.

6. Your AA buddy. Really, you both can admit you’re not giving up drinking. You’re at the damn bar. Slam a few bottles of Jack, then take pictures of your crotch and send them to your ex.

Got any better ideas?